The Pirates Go to Walmart!
by poeismyhero
Summary: With a title like that, I'm pretty sure you don't need a summary, mate.
1. Fruit Loops, Beckett, and the Locker

**Hi everyone! I'm back! ...you can stop screaming in agony, now. Anyways, since production on the second installment of Pirates of the Cocoabean has been slow, due to the amount of paperwork Lord Beckett gave me to fill out (the obnoxious little squirt), I've created this little nugget of randomness to keep you occupied. So if you'd love to see Jack kissing Elizabeth or Beckett being intimidating, then go somewhere else! But, if you'd love to see Beckett getting pushed around in a grocery cart or Barbossa clothes shopping (a very interesting experience indeed...), then look no further because today your fav POTC characters are going shopping...in Wal-mart!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own POTC or Wal-mart. But I do own a Jack Sparrow hat :)**

* * *

It was an ordinary Wednesday morning when Jack went down to the galley of the _Black Pearl _and opened the cabinet. He groggily reached inside and suddenly discovered that his Fruit Loops were gone. "Mr. Gibbs!" Jack called.

Mr. Gibbs came running down the stairs. "Jack, what is it? Are we being attacked?"

"Mr. Gibbs, where are my Fruit Loops?" Jack opened the refrigerator. "And where's the milk?"

"Don't you remember, Captain? You invited those fangirls over for that slumber party and you had them compete in a cereal eating contest because you'd been watching that show on MTV and -"

"Yes, I remember, Mr. Gibbs!" Jack sighed. "Well, it's alright. At least we still have some pop-tarts left."

"Actually, that one girl, poeismyhero - really weird name, by the way - ate them all last night."

"What? But I thought she already ate that whole platter of hot 'n' spicy chicken wings!"

"Well, I guess that wasn't enough."

Jack frowned. "Do we have _anything_ to eat, Mr. Gibbs?"

"Nope. Just this green apple." Suddenly, Barbossa came out of nowhere and snatched the apple away. "Never mind."

"Hmm. This is serious," Jack said, deep in thought. "And we won't be able to reach the next Publix for another two days." Jack sighed. "I suppose we have no choice."

Mr. Gibbs gasped. "You don't mean..."

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Head west, Mr. Gibbs. We're going to Wal-mart!"

And so a small band of adventurers from the Black Pearl, mainly Jack, Will, Elizabeth, Mr. Gibbs, Anamaria, Barbossa, Pintel and Ragetti stepped forward to brave the perils of Wal-mart.

Well, not all of them.

"I'm not going in there," Elizabeth stated.

"It's only for a couple of minutes, Elizabeth," Will said. "We're just getting some supplies."

"No! I'm not going in there! It's not sanitary! I mean, _regular_ people shop in there!"

"Yeah, because not everyone can afford Gucci, Elizabeth," Anamaria muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes.

"I'm not going, and that's final!" Elizabeth yelled.

"Afternoon, Elizabeth," a voice said.

Elizabeth screamed and hopped into Will's arms. Commodore Norrington smiled. "Norry? Why are you here?"

"Don't call me Norry!" Norrington said with a huff. "Anyway, I'm here to get...supplies for the East India Trading Company."

Suddenly, Beckett popped out from under Norrington's hat. "Commodore! Stop talking to these low life ruffians and get me my tea! I can't conquer the world and bug the hell out of everyone without my tea!"

"Um, why is Beckett under Norry's hat?" Elizabeth asked.

"It's LORD Beckett to you, Miss Swann. Anyway, to answer your question, I am under said hat because Commodore Norrington's wig is nice and soft, and I like my buttocks to be comfortable when I'm not in my fancy chair on my ship."

Jack's eye began to twitch. "TMI, Beckett! Ew! No one wants to know about your butt's cushiness!"

"Whatever. Let's go, Commodore!" he shouted. Norry sighed. "Yes, sir." But before he could take another step, he noticed something. The ground was shaking.

"It's an earthquake!" Anamaria screamed. "It's the T-rex from Jurassic Park!" Jack yelled. "It's the Subterranean Mole People from Sacremento!" Mr. Gibbs cried.

"Actually, it's just Davy Jones making a dramatic entrance," Will pointed out.

Indeed (Beckett, stop playing with my keyboard!), a section of pavement was beginning to rise in front of them. It burst open, revealing the long, moldy bow of the Flying Dutchman. Davy Jones leapt off the ship, coughing and sputtering. "Note to self: bursting through water: good. Bursting through pavement: BAD!" He stood, tall and intimidating, and turned to the pirates. "Didn't expect that, did ya?"

"No. And I also didn't expect to see you in _that_ again," Jack said, laughing uncontrollably.

Davy Jones looked down at his bucket. "It's not funny!" he yelled. "You know I'm cursed!"

But Jack still laughed. "Davy's in a bucket, Davy's in a bucket, Davy's in a bucket!" he sang.

Davy, with his cool fishy powers, moved the bucket towards Jack. "I've put you in the locker once, and I'll put you in there again!"

Jack covered his nose and gave a little yelp. "No, not there! It smelled like gym shorts!"

Davy smirked. "Then it would be wise not to make fun of my bucket, savvy?" Jack nodded.

"Can we go inside? It's hot out here!" Elizabeth whined. Everyone agreed and they filed through the automatic sliding doors.

Jack stayed put, lost in the nightmarish memories of Davy Jones's locker. Suddenly, he realized something. "Hey! No one uses savvy but me, savvy?" He ran after Davy. "Davy Jones, I'm going to get you!"

Davy replied to this by grabbing Jack with his crab claw/hand and holding him up menacingly. "Or I could just make rude comments behind your back," Jack said wisely. Davy Jones, satisfied by this, let go of him and they walked into Wal-mart, unaware of the mayhem that awaited them.

* * *

**_Mwahahahaha!_**

**Beckett! *Hits Beckett with a flyswatter* My keyboard!**


	2. Jack, You're Not Two

**Hello, again!**

**Contrary to what Deprived Homunculus posted, the world WILL know what will happen in Wal-mart...in the next chapter. **

**Unfortunately, I've got the Freakazoid theme song stuck in my head for no apparent reason whatsoever, so this chapter will have to suffice while I look for a cure for this particular earworm (_)**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own POTC, Bob the Builder, Wal-Mart, or Disney. However, I do own a keyboard, and I'm not afraid to use it!**

* * *

As the pirates (and Beckett) entered the area between the automatic doors of Wal-mart, ready to get this whole _horrendous_ deal over with (their words, not mine), Jack spotted something to the left. Will, unfortunately, spotted it, too. "Jack, _no_. We don't have time -"

But before Will could finish his sentence, Jack had already hopped onto the kiddie ride and pulled out a quarter. The toy truck whirred to life and began to slowly move up and down. "Wheee! This is fun!" Jack exclaimed, clapping like a toddler.

All the pirates (and Beckett) rolled their eyes. "Yarr," Barbossa sighed. "Jack, you're not two. Get off the ride."

"No, it's fun!"

"Jack, it's not even going anywhere!"

"I know, but it's playing the Bob the Builder song!" Then, Jack randomly burst into song.

_Bob the Builder!_

_Can we fix it?_

_Bob the Builder!_

_Yes, we can!_

At that moment, as the pirates (and Beckett) plugged their ears to stop the song from stealing their IQ points, the ride stopped. "Aw, no fair!" Jack said, pouting. "I didn't get to finish my song!" The rest of the pirates (and Beckett) sighed in relief.

Unfortunately, their relief didn't last for long because that's when Jack spotted the claw machine. "Toys!" Fishing out a quarter from his boots, Jack started the game. His eyes went wide as the game lit up and the claw moved in his hand.

"Jack, we _really _don't have time for this," Will said again, but Jack ignored him. He had his eye on a Mickey Mouse plushie and moved the claw above it ever so gently.

Then Jack pressed the button and the claw dropped, latching onto Mickey's nose. "Yay!" Jack squealed.

That's when Mickey slipped out of the claw's grasp and fell back on the impossibly unattainable pile of toys. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack, needless to say, was inconsolable.

"Jack, it's okay," Anamaria said soothingly. "We'll get you a Mickey Mouse plushie the next time we do another appearance at Disney World."

"Are ye crazy?" Mr. Gibbs butted in. "Do you know how much Disney charges for those things?"

"We get a discount, remember?" Anamaria reminded him.

Mr. Gibbs blinked. "…oh."

Jack looked up at Anamaria with big, puppy dog eyes. "B-b-but I wanted that one!" Jack whined.

Davy Jones rolled his eyes. He pushed Jack and Anamaria out of the way, inserted a quarter, and maneuvered the claw over the plushie. With amazing skill (especially since he was doing all this with his crab claw/hand), he dropped the toy into the prize slot. Jack squealed with joy and held the plushie up Lion-King style. "I shall call you Jackie Jr.!" he exclaimed. With that, Jack whizzed through the second set of doors into the store.

Barbossa stared at Jones flabbergasted. Jones gave him a scowl. "What? I shut him up, didn't I?" Barbossa shook his head in disbelief at Davy Jones's random act of kindness and followed Jack. Davy Jones smirked. "3...2...1..."

Suddenly, a loud yelp rang out. "NOOOO! Jackie-poo, where did you go?"

Barbossa looked at him slyly. "You didn't..."

Davy smiled. "Now there's a new Jack in the locker."

"Harsh...but I like it!" Barbossa said.

Then, the writer (who couldn't think of anything else to write and lacked the ability to write a good transition) shoved all the characters into the store and the next chapter.

* * *

**Davy Jones is a jerk :P**

**Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter, you guys. Really appreciated (^_^)b**

**And for the rest of you, R&R!**


	3. Geez, Not Those Two XP

**Hello, everyone!**

**Sorry this is so late. I've been busy moving back into my dorm and getting ready for classes XP I'm also recovering from the heinous writer's block I had over the summer. Honestly, for those of you have been waiting so patiently, you might have to wait a little longer for the second installment of Pirates of the Cocoabean, let alone the Sweeney Todd parody DragonNamedDraco13 (awesome penname BTW) mentioned in her review. But fear not! I have the DVDs in the bookcase beside me and I WILL get to them...EVENTUALLY!**

**Bonus points for whoever got the reference.**

**Anyway, as consolation for my laziness, I'm giving you TWO chapters today! YAY!**

**What are you waiting for? READ!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own POTC, Wal-Mart, or any of the products mentioned. But I did find my Lio calendar while moving :)**

* * *

"So what do we do now?" Ragetti asked.

_Because the writer had _so rudely_ interrupted the story and shoved everyone into Wal-mart (horror of horrors!), no one knew what to do next, especially since she had stopped writing to go to the restroom. Speaking of which..._

*Beckett begins searching through long lost short stories from poeismyhero and posting them on Facebook for all the world to see_* _

_MWAHAHAHA! _

*Notices one story under obscure title* _Oooooo..._

*Opens it to find PURE EVIL too horrible to describe* _AAAAAAAAAH! My eyes!_

BECKETT!

_Oh crap._

poeismyhero: *Returns from bathroom and squishes Beckett with keyboard* How dare you go poking into my stories!

Beckett: *Points at screen, face pale* _What the heck is that?_

poeismyhero: *Glances at screen* Huh, one of my old ghost stories. I wondered where that went.

Beckett: You are one terribly disturbed writer.

poeismyhero: *Turns to Beckett with very creepy face on* You should see my report on Kafka.

*Beckett runs away quickly, leaving poeismyhero to write once again in peace*

poeismyhero: Now where was I? Oh, yeah!

"So what do we do now?" Ragetti asked.

The pirates (and Beckett) stood around in a cluster, unsure of how to react to the supersupersupersupermarket.

"Welcome to Wal-mart!" a voice rang out near them. All the pirates jumped and turned to see Murtogg (or Mullroy – I get them so confused) beaming at them with a goofy smile, a smiley face sticker on the front of his blue vest.

"No freakin' way," Jack groaned.

"Hey!" Mullroy yelled, smacking Murtogg over the head with a rolled-up issue of Cosmo. "I'm supposed to say that!"

"No, you're supposed to offer the kiddies a sticker!"

"If I'm the one who's supposed to offer stickers, then why are you the one with a sticker on your vest?"

"Because it's part of our uniform, or did you forget?"

"I didn't forget!"

"Yes, you did, just like you forgot our anniversary of friendship last month!"

"I told you, our anniversary is in October!"

"No, it's not, it's -"

"QUIET, BOTH OF YOU!" Elizabeth yelled. The two men cowered in fear (nobody dared anger Elizabeth when she was PMSing). "Now, if you don't mind, we would like to grab four of those baskets on wheels and be on our way out of this bloody store!"

"T-those are grocery carts," Murtogg pointed out.

"DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?" Elizabeth yelled, temper flaring.

Murtogg quickly shook his head and wheeled the four grocery carts to her before running off with Mullroy to the bathroom to change his underwear. Elizabeth sighed, fixed her hair, and turned back around, the anger evaporated. "Sorry about that. I'm afraid that wasn't very ladylike."

Every single one of the pirates stared at her with a stare that was half awe and half fear. Davy Jones made a mental note about keeping this human around – even if she was a little too dramatic for his taste.

Now that Davy, Norrington, Barbossa, and Jack all had their grocery carts, they were ready to go shopping. As soon as Jack had wrapped his hands around the plastic bar of the grocery cart, he went zooming off, riding the grocery cart as it zipped past startled customers and ran straight into a fruit stand.

"Um, question. Why did we give Jack a grocery cart?" Ragetti asked.

Will shook his head. "Darn writer."

And then he suddenly got slapped by an invisible hand.

* * *

**Aw, no more pirates.**

**Unless, of course, you click that button over there that says "Next"**

**:D**


	4. Pushing Buttons

**Yay! Second chappie in a row!**

**:D (I like emoticons, can't you tell?)**

**Oh, and FYI, I'll be updating Tues. and Thur...if I'm not being a lazy bum.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, Wal-Mart, or any of the products mentioned. Thankfully, I also don't own a Baby Alive :)**

* * *

As the pirates split up to get their shopping done, Will, Mr. Gibbs, Anamaria, and Elizabeth found themselves paired up regrettably with Jack.

Anamaria scrutinized the hastily scribbled grocery list. "Ok, first we need to get some cleaning supplies, then food for the parrot, and then – hey!"

Jack looked back at her, already trying to dart down the toy aisle. "What?"

"Jack, you don't need anymore toys!" Anamaria said. "Besides, we should stay together, at least until we can find a map of this place."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, all I hear is blah blah blah I'm stupid because I'm only in one movie blah blah blah Jack is so sexy blah blah blah and Jack can go look at toys." Then, before Anamaria could say anything else, Jack disappeared behind a shelf of Nerf guns.

Anamaria stood there, jaw dropped. "What…who the _hell_ does he think he _is_?"

"Well, he's right. You _were _only in one movie." Will said.

Mr. Gibbs and Elizabeth dropped their jaws at Will's blatant stupidity. Before Will could do anything, Anamaria gives him a solid kick in his jewel sacks, sending him flying over the shelves and into a watermelon stand.

Anamaria walks over to Will, and grabs him by the shirt. "Now you listen to me, Will Turner. I am a fanfiction favorite, I'm sure as hell a more entertaining character than you, and I'm played by _Zoe freakin' Saldana!_ You got a problem with that?"

Will shook his head nervously, not wanting to truly become a eunuch. Thankfully, Zoe let go of Will's shirt and stomped off after Jack, still fuming.

Mr. Gibbs let out a low whistle. "Dude, I'm sorry, but that was _hot!_"

Will then hid underneath Elizabeth's poofy dress and cried.

* * *

After visiting the therapist between the McDonald's and Cuts by Us, Will, Elizabeth, and Mr. Gibbs finally joined back up with Anamaria and Jack in the toy section.

Anamaria saw them coming and smiled. "Hey, you guys. Sorry for blowing up at you like that."

"It's okay," Elizabeth said. "The therapist gave Will a stress ball to keep him occupied."

"It's squishy!" Will exclaimed happily.

"So what's our insane captain up to now?" Mr. Gibbs asked.

"Oh, the usual," Anamaria said. "Annoying the crap out of everyone around him while still being strangely attractive."

Indeed ("Beckett! OUT!"), Jack was playing with an action figure of himself, stabbing an action figure of Davy Jones. "That's for my jar of dirt! And that's for killing me! And that's for your acid trip locker!"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, then spotted a baby doll sitting on a nearby shelf. "Will, look!" Elizabeth exclaimed, dragging Will to the shelf. "Aw, isn't it cute!"

"Yeah," Will said, examining its lifelike features. "I can't wait 'til _we _have one of those."

Elizabeth nodded excitably. "I know, dear, I know. Hopefully something terribly tragic won't happen to you before the franchise ends."

Will paused. "Wait, what was that last part?"

"Oh, nothing." Elizabeth then noticed a button on the doll's foot. "Ooo, what does this do?" she asked, pushing it.

The baby immediately came to life, laughing and cooing. Elizabeth and Anamaria immediately went "Awwwww!"

And then it went poo.

I'm not kidding. There's a baby doll that can now "pee" and "poo."

Needless to say, Elizabeth and Anamaria quickly backed away – into a Disney Princess display.

Suddenly, a chorus of Disney songs flooded the aisle, bringing a lot of attention to the frazzled female pirates.

"What the bloody hell do we do?" Elizabeth yelled over the songs. "They won't _shut up!"_

Anamaria looked around, looking for some blunt object to bludgeon the demon dolls with. Instead, she spotted Davy Jones walking past the aisle, shuffling his bucket across the floor. "Davy!" she yelled. "Please, send these things to the locker!"

Davy tuned into the obnoxious noises and quickly shook his head. "Uh-uh, no way! Besides, I don't even know who you are!" Then, he quickly shuffled his bucket away.

Finally, with no other options left, Anamaria grabbed Jack and Elizabeth grabbed Will, dragging them both behind them as they sprinted away from the aisle of PURE EVIL.

Mr. Gibbs watched them go, shrugged, and went to go look at some fishing gear.

* * *

**Geez, what's with all the PMSing in this story?**

**Thank God Tia Dalma isn't in this.**

**...yet.**

**MWAHAHAHAHA!**


	5. You Want a Heart Attack with That?

**_Sigh_...I don't get paid enough for this.**

**Wait a second - I don't get paid at all! **

**Yay!**

**So with classes starting this week, I didn't have much time to learn how to write Tia's freakin' accent. I really suck at writing accents, and considering I couldn't find a lot on Jamaican Patois to help me write it (in English, to clarify), I just simplified it a lot. **

**WARNING: Epic FAIL ahead.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, Wal-Mart, McDonald's, or any of the products mentioned. I wish I had something clever to say, but I'll save that for a day when I'm less tired XP**

* * *

While Anamaria, Mr. Gibbs, Will, and Elizabeth all dealt with Jack, Barbossa was dealing with Pintel and Ragetti's whining.

"'Ey, Barbossa, can I get a happy meal at McDonald's?" Ragetti asked.

"Hey, if he's getting a happy meal, I want one too!" Pintel whined.

"Yarr! Why would you want a happy meal?" Barbossa asked irritably. "Those things are worse than scurvy, yarr!"

"B-but I wanted a toy to play with!" Ragetti said. He looked at Barbossa with big, huge puppy dog eyes –

"Fine, yarr!" Barbossa said. "Here, take a couple of coins and get your disease-ridden boxes of grease, you whiney brats!"

Pintel eyed the doubloons in Barbossa's hand suspiciously. "They aren't cursed, are they?"

Barbossa resisted the urge to pull his gun on the two idiots and merely rolled his eyes. "No, they're not. Now, if you'll be needing me – and I pray to God you won't – I'll be shopping for clothes." He looked up at his moth-eaten hat forlornly. "Yarr, it's about time to update my wardrobe."

As Barbossa walked away, the two pirates immediately ran gaily –

_What was that, poppet?_

Giddly! I meant giddly!

…please don't kill me.

Whew, they're gone. Anyway, the two pirates immediately ran giddily to the McDonald's, jingling the doubloons in their pockets. They quickly hopped into the growing line to the cashier, bouncing up and down in anticipation.

"Oh, I hope I get a Batman toy! Or the Batmobile! That would be so cool!" Pintel said excitedly.

"I want one of the little dollies," Ragetti said. "They have such pretty dressies!"

Pintel suddenly stopped bouncing. He turned to glare at Ragetti. "And you call yourself a pirate."

Ragetti smartly shut up and waited quietly in line…for about five seconds.

"Hey, hey Pintel."

Pintel felt a finger poking his shoulder. He scowled, trying to ignore the annoying sensation.

"Hey, Pintel. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Pintel!"

Pintel cringed as the pokes increased. _Just ignore him, just ignore him…_

"Hey, hey Pintel. Hey, hey - "

"WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT?" Pintel yelled, scaring a nearby baby and making it cry. Pintel cringed as the mom shot him a nasty look worse than her barely fitting tank top and her too-short-for-her-age shorts.

Ragetti watched the mom storm off in her plastic flip-flops before turning back to Pintel. "Hey, Pintel."

"What?" Pintel said, a little quieter this time.

"I was just wondering. How is it that Barbossa is alive? I mean, he got _shot_. We buried 'im and everythin'!"

Pintel opened his mouth to yell at Ragetti, then paused. He did have a good point.

"'Ey! You two! It's yer turn, now!"

Pintel turned to the cashier, who was no other than Tia Dalma. She was dreadlocked and dirty-mouthed like always, only now she was wearing a McDonald's shirt and visor. "What do ye want, child?" she asked in a very bored tone.

Ragetti hid behind Pintel, extremely frightened of the scary lady. Pintel, however, was unfazed. "Two cheeseburger 'appy meals, no pickles!" he said proudly.

"No ketchup on both?" Tia asked.

Pintel blinked. "Um…no. No _pickles_."

"On one or both?" Tia asked.

Pintel was becoming more and more flustered. "On both!"

Tia frowned. "Alright, child, no need to lose yer temper." She punched in the buttons on the cash register. "Would ye like fries or apple dippers in yer 'appy meal?"

"Apple dippers?" Pintel recoiled from the counter. "Who the bloody hell eats apple dippers with their happy meals?"

"Alright, dat's two apple dippers," Tia said, punching in the buttons, "and what would ye like to drink?"

"Wait a second, I never said I wanted apple dippers!" Pintel exclaimed.

"Ye don' want apple dippers?" Tia said, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I don't!" Pintel yelled. "I want fries!"

"'EY!" Tia Dalma grabbed Pintel's shirt and dragged him close to her rarely brushed teeth. "Just because you capture me and boun' me don't mean I can't curse you for eternity!"

Pintel gagged at Tia's breath. "Fine, fine, I'm sorry! Just let go of my shirt!" Tia obliged and Pintel gratefully took in a big gulp of semi-fresh air.

"An' what would ye like to drink?" Tia asked.

"Two cokes, please," Pintel gasped between breaths.

Tia punched in the buttons. "So ye want two cheeseburger happy meals, no pickles, with fries, and coca-cola as de drinks."

Pintel popped his head up, surprised. "Yes! Yes, that's exactly what we want!"

"Alright, dat'll be ten doubloons," Tia said, holding out her hand.

Pintel reached into his pockets – and only found eight doubloons. He looked back reluctantly at Tia. "Um…can you give us a second?"

Tia rolled her eyes. "Dere _are _other customers," she said impatiently.

Pintel bit his lip as he looked at the long line. Suddenly, he got an idea. "Hey, Ragetti, go find Barbossa and get two more doubloons from him, quick!"

Ragetti nodded rapidly. "Okay, Pintel!" He immediately ran off, on the search for Barbossa.

"'Ey! I can't just wait for him! I have customers!" Tia said angrily.

"Just make the food!" Pintel yelled.

Tia sighed and ripped off the receipt. "I don't get paid enough for dis…"

* * *

**Will Ragetti find Barbossa in time? Will Pintel keep Tia's bad breath at bay? Will we get back to Jack, who is pretty much the only reason half my readers are here?**

**Well, you won't find out til Thursday.**

**MWAHAHAHAHAHA!**


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